why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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