So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
