My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
