my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
