walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
