he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she told me i tasted like america
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
