Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
