well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
