ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
