next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I got inside last night via doggy door
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is Oprah even human
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
