CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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