we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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