my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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