then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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