Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
