I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
