i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
