someone get that fucking seahorse.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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