the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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