peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
