I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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