1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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