Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
