Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
whose parrot is this?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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