how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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