I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
