the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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