mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
