You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
do herpes really smell.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
