Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
His nipple licking is glorious
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