I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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