i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I love having hate sex.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
