I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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