You made me cry and you don't even care
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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