My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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