I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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