the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
