On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
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you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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