hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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