I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
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my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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