i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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