Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
