Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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