It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
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After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
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He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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