my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
