So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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