I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
