cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
