The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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