Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
