John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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