I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he shaved USA in his pubs
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Randomize
