I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
