I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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