Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
