his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
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Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
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there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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