Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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