worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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