Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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